Serving Hohenwald, Lewis County Tennessee Since 1898
Serving Hohenwald, Lewis County Tennessee Since 1898
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Since you asked, my niece Claire is expecting her first baby in August. Her sister Emma is expecting her second child in October. I have faith that both young ladies will someday earn a spot in a Hall of Fame for Mothers. Alas, history is littered with mothers who DIDN’T receive proper recognition. Here are some particularly egregious examples: The mother of “Washington Post” owner and Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, who once scolded him, “Democracy dies in darkness? It smells like something died in...
As graduation looms, my son Gideon has been named both salutatorian and Wittiest Boy of the Cornersville (TN) High School Class of 2021. (I myself did well academically “back in the day” –which even then was about 15 years after the hoary phrase “back in the day” had applied for Medicare. I also absorbed comedy vibes from Steve Martin and Monty Python and made good use of the copy of “10,000 Jokes, Toasts and Stories” that belonged to my father – another salutatorian. I just wanted you to know that Gideon comes by certain predispositions...
Tree HUGGERS, are you contemplating a Zoom meeting with Mr. Elm instead? Yes, this is dedicated to the millions of you who share my susceptibility to seasonal allergies. (SEASONAL allergies? Yes, “When is allergy season?” is a popular Google question. I don’t mean to be ungrateful for fleeting symptom interruptions around Christmas; but that question is as pollyannaish as asking “When is double-chin season?” or “When is robocall season?”) Hopefully, this column will also have a little someth...
My wife and I would never have met, except that her family fled a densely populated state when she was 11. Given her satisfaction with the simple life (deer in the yard, the neighbors’ ponds and livestock across the road), I dreaded sharing game-changing news with her the other evening. “One of the neighbors said a 100-house subdivision is planned for one mile away on our country road.” (Technically, I think the revelation was “One of the neighbors said a 100-house subdivision is planned...
There was certainly nothing trivial about the events of that first Easter Sunday, but that hasn’t stopped magazines from cranking out baskets of Easter trivia year after year. Admittedly, magazine writers are trapped on a hamster wheel of producing seasonal material. (“See the latest table settings for National Fasting Week!”) The widening divide between the sacred and secular aspects of Easter apparently requires some dumbing down of the tidbits. “Woman’sDay” magazine thought it necessary to note that there’s no mention of an Easter Bunny...
First off, Louis Armstrong was right about it being a wonderful world. And I realize many people suffer far worse troubles than mine. But still…I would die of shock if I ever experienced 10 consecutive minutes of comfort, serenity and dignity. (Okay, anesthesia gave me two of the three; but instead of Doctors Without Borders, we need to mobilize Procedures Without Hospital Gowns.) Through a combination of overcommitment, aging, Murphy’s Law and innate klutziness, I am a man of constant aggravation. True, I have outgrown zits, dandruff, warts an...
“My father and mother were Irish, and I am Irish, too.” As Saint Patrick’s Day approaches, I keep remembering that song from our third-grade music book, which strove to examine music from an international perspective (WITHOUT a “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” detour into “Come see the cultural appropriation inherent in the system!”) I am proud of my Scots-Irish heritage; but at the time, when I discussed the music assignments with my father, it was unsettling to hear him talk about the son...
Sure, it made the rounds of the “News of the Weird” columns when a Nashville businessman left $5 million in a trust fund for his beloved border collie Lulu; but such gestures aren’t as eccentric as you might think. Many estate plan experts now include pet planning as part of the comprehensive services they offer. (“That takes care of your rare cockatoo and your thoroughbred racehorses. Now surely you’ll want to upgrade to the premium plan and maintain your GUT BACTERIA in the manner to which they’ve become accustomed?”) Really, you’re just d...
The relentless airbag recall notices concerning my mother’s old truck have progressed from a mailbox-clogging nuisance to a grim reminder that our unresponsiveness has felled more trees than Paul Bunyan in his prime. Okay, I realize more consumers should be conscientious about product recalls, for the safety of themselves, their families and mankind in general; but when you’re a husband, father, son, inventory clerk, writer and Sunday school teacher, arranging your schedule around somebody els...
Yes, a lot of water has flowed under the bridge since February 20, 1971 – but it’s still hard to believe that Granny Tyree (my father’s mother) has been gone for 50 years. Oh, I shouldn’t have been caught off-guard. All the joys, sorrows, friendships, jobs, technological innovations and cultural upheavals of five decades leave this former 10-year-old with only hit-and-miss memories of Sarah Elizabeth Gipson Tyree (a.k.a. “Sallie Bet”). Perhaps I’ll consult my older cousins when I write my memoir (“The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tyree”),...
Presidents’ Day 2021 may still be fresh on your mind, but be advised that I’m already thinking ahead to Presidents’ Day 2071. If you get your jollies reading about the only bachelor president or the first bathtub in the White House, just think how many more milestones and tidbits of trivia will have built up over the next 50 years! In the next five decades, we may very well see the first female president, the first Hispanic president, the first Asian-American president, the first openly gay p...
Although the bar has been set remarkably low during some epochs (“Dearest, you’ve survived to produce seven more viable male heirs than my second wife”), society has always expected couples to use terms of endearment to grease the wheels of their relationships. I have it on good authority that the custom goes all the way back to Adam and Eve (or as he affectionately referred to her, “McRib”). Of course, the sweet nothings were probably muttered through gritted teeth when Adam asked questions...
There’s no middle ground with middle names. You either love them or hate them. Or, if you’re a politician, you treat them however the latest opinion poll indicates. (“It’s way past time this nation took the bold bipartisan move of giving Harry S. Truman an actual posthumous middle name – not for our own benefit, but FOR THE CHILDREN.”) Middle names come from various sources. My son and I both carry on my late father’s middle name of Lewis. My brother was named for the surgeon who delivered him...
It has been a bittersweet experience seeing the mailbox flooded with college recruiting brochures addressed to my son Gideon. Bittersweet because, speaking as a science fiction fan, each “road not taken” represents an alternate timeline involving different friends, different instructors, a different spouse, a different career path, a different city, a different strategy for administrators to hound grads for alumni donations. (“Remember that colorful gluten-free parking sticker we gener...
My son Gideon certainly had a high-octane understanding of the THEORY of driving last winter. As far as the rubber meeting the road, not so much. My wife and I were relieved that he was enrolled in Drivers Education in high school, under the supervision of the football coach; but right before it was Gideon’s turn to get behind the steering wheel, Covid-19 shut everything down for the rest of the school year. Gideon received a grade for the abbreviated course, but now it’s back in the hands of his parents to get him ready for his driver’s licen...
I spent Monday nights in the fall of 1975 breathlessly watching my favorite TV show. And I do mean breathlessly. That’s because I had to rush home from my afterschool job at a nearby convenience market and hope that I didn’t miss much more than the “goils were goils and men were men” in the theme song of blue-collar comedy “All in the Family.” I hated being a latecomer – again. I didn’t see the first few episodes when the program premiered 50 years ago (January 12, 1971), but I was certainly a...
In case you (expletives deleted) missed the marketing campaign, on January 5 the noble public servants at Netflix will launch a six-episode series, “History of Swear Words,” hosted by actor Nicholas Cage. The “proudly profane” program will be supplemented with historians, cognitive scientists, lexicographers and etymology experts. (The latter should feel right at home, after years of hearing, “When are you going to quit &^%$ and get a &^%$ REAL job?”) I find myself with mixed emotions as I navigate a world of prudes, “shock” junkies, auto-p...
“Hello. I’m Grandpa.” For Christmas 50 years ago, my parents splurged and bought me a compact reel-to-reel tape recorder. My father had whetted my appetite with remarks that one could build a primitive voice recorder along the lines of Thomas Edison’s prototype, but this was the real store-bought deal. I took the prized possession along when my paternal grandparents hosted Christmas dinner for the very last time. I THINK the device is still nestled in my mother’s attic; but even without it, I distinctly remember Grandaddy Carl neglectin...
We all know Santa Claus as a “right jolly old elf,” but the man carries a well-stocked bag of regrets. He recently sat down with me to list some of the ways he wished his life had gone differently. “I don’t regret the Island of Misfit Toys real estate venture per se, but I sort of hate that we used an old atomic testing site. I’m cool with a water pistol shooting jelly – but not RADIOACTIVE jelly.” “I wish I had found a better business manager to protect my trademark. My FRIENDS have good business managers. You never hear of anybody playing...
It may be the sort of birthday where someone shouts, “50 candles blazing on the cake? Are you crazy? Why don’t we just fill a pinata with cow methane while we’re at it???” I’m speaking of the 50th anniversary of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). President Richard Nixon proposed the independent executive agency on July 9, 1970 (fun fact: “EPA” was the only term on that particular Nixon tape with fewer than FOUR letters) and it began operation on December 2, 1970. (This was mere weeks before Elvis Presley’s famous meeting with Ni...
Are you a faithful Christian who is concerned about empty pews – and the steadily decreasing impact of Christianity on the social fabric? There’s good news about the Good News. After years of procrastination, I have stretched beyond my 600-word columns and written an honest-to-goodness BOOK. My first effort is a departure from my usual lightweight tomfoolery (although you’ll find snark, pop culture references and stream-of-consciousness observations aplenty). It’s a breezy motivational book titled “Yes, Your Butt Still Belongs in Church” (...
As your host, I have gathered a cornucopia of genuine Thanksgiving trivia, thanks to “Good Housekeeping” magazine and other sources. (Granted, “Good Housekeeping” reached its peak of relevance in the June Cleaver era. Today’s over-scheduled families would be just as well served with subscriptions to “Adequate Housekeeping” or “Turn Out the Lights and Pretend Nobody’s Home” or “Anybody Got the Energy to Activate the Roomba?” magazines.) For starters, Pres. Thomas Jefferson refused to celebrate Thanksgiving as a national holiday, citing concern...
Did you realize that commercial radio got its start on November 2, 1920 when legendary KDKA (Pittsburgh) broadcast the results of the Harding-Cox presidential race? Almost overnight, radio transitioned from domination by ham operators to an actual business with schedules, programming and sponsors. Now the world has experienced an entire CENTURY peppered with FDR’s “Fireside Chats,” serialized “Captain Midnight” adventures, the original soap operas, traffic and weather reports, Top 40 countdowns, sportscasts (I still remember hearing Hank Aaro...
This is a year of double milestones: my mother’s house turns 75 and (as of October 30) she will have been living there for 50 years. She grew up as part of an itinerant sharecropping family during the Great Depression, so I’m glad she has enjoyed all these decades of stability. (I lived in the house from age 10 to age 31.) One of Mom’s friends dubbed the property “El Rancho Rocky” because of the ample supply of limestone, but the Tyree family pulled together to make something of the place. (M...
My son Gideon has now finished both his ACT and SAT college entrance exams (scoring at an impressive percentile somewhere between “It’s …it’s…go ask my wife” and “Never you MIND what his father’s score was”), but I wonder if the tests will still be relevant when HIS hypothetical kids reach college age. Hundreds of colleges dropped mandatory test scores this year because of Covid-19 disruptions, but standardized tests were already falling out of favor with admissions officers long before the v...
