How to Recognize Warning Signs of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is a crisis that lurks in plain sight. Victims conceal the evidence of injuries, smile in photos with their abusers and present a public image completely at odds with the turmoil that exists behind closed doors. When that’s impossible, they call in sick to work or make up excuses for missing social engagements

But the numbers don’t lie. Nationally, 12 million women and men are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner each year. So far this year in Nashville alone, around 7,600 domestic violence victims have been assisted by Metro Nashville police, a pace that’s on track to exceed last year’s total number of 9,479. Many other victims never call law enforcement for they help they need.

As we observe Domestic Violence Awareness Month throughout October, it’s important for us all to know what domestic violence can look like and what resources are available. If you suspect a domestic violence situation around you, here are five questions that might help you determine if someone may be dangerous and potentially abusive.

1. Do they try to control you? An abuser’s desire for power and control can take many forms. Many attempt to cut off their partner from family or friends or limit their access to the outside world (for example: prohibiting cellphone usage, monitoring social media, making a partner ask permission to leave the house or checking their car’s mileage). If a partner is socializing with others, the abuser might call constantly, show up without warning or accuse their partner of having an affair.

2. Do they blame you for their emotions or their problems? Abusers like to assign fault to everybody but themselves when something goes wrong, often believing that others are out to get them. When their emotions spin out of control or they lash out in violence, they blame their partner instead of taking personal responsibility, saying things like “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you” or “Look what you made me do.” Abusers often belittle or insult their partners for not meeting an unrealistic standard of perfection.

3. Do they have sudden and erratic mood swings? Everybody has a bad day once in a while, but abusers react to normal struggles with much more intense and inexplicable emotions than the average person. They can also work themselves into a fury over imagined slights. An abuser might be sweet and loving to a partner one minute, and the next throw possessions across the room or punch walls out of anger.

4. Do they hurt animals or children? There’s a long-established correlation between animal abuse and domestic violence. Similarly, abusers often act cruelly toward children — teasing them until they cry, for example.

5. Do they threaten violence, or have they been violent in the past? Partners who have been physically abusive in a previous relationship have a high percentage of doing it again. It’s also common for abusers to intimidate their partners through threats of violence or revenge — which they often try to later play off as a joke.

Domestic violence’s long-term effects

Domestic violence’s effects on its victims are complex and long-lasting. Survivors are three times more likely than others to develop a major depressive order, four times more likely to attempt suicide and six times more likely to have a substance use disorder, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Children who grow up exposed to abuse in their household end up having more health, social and behavioral problems throughout their lives, and an extremely high number (74%, according to Domestic Violence Services) are likely to commit a violent crime against someone else.

At Legal Aid Society, our attorneys and advocates assist victims by filing for orders of protection, which can place a legal barrier between victims and their abusers — giving victims temporary custody of children, allowing them to break a lease and move away from an abuser, and preventing an abuser from having a firearm, among other safeguards. We assist qualifying low-income individuals not just in Nashville, but across 48 counties in Middle Tennessee.

If you are a victim of domestic violence or suspect it around you, we may be able to assist or provide necessary resources. Call us at 1-800-238-1443 to learn more or visit our website at https://las.org.

DarKenya W. Waller is executive director of Legal Aid Society of Middle Tennessee and the Cumberlands, which provides free legal services to qualifying low-income individuals in 48 counties across Middle Tennessee.